I overthink everything. Lately, I’ve had a few things on my mind, so my brain has gone into hyperdrive and I haven’t been sleeping well. With each conundrum, I plot out every possible outcome and my mind reads like a ‘choose your own adventure’ book. What if I take this course of action and the result is this? What if I completely misinterpreted that person’s actions? What if this circumstance changes this way and what if it changes that way? Over and over.
One of the things on my mind lately was my preaching gig yesterday. It had been a few years since I last preached and it was my first time at my current church. The night before, I lay awake for awhile, running the sermon through my head. Then I woke up at 3 am. And again around 6. I thought that with the sermon over I’d get a good night’s sleep last night, but it was not to be. The sermon’s jettisoning from my brain just made room for other issues to come to the fore. And it drives me nuts that I can’t just turn my brain off.
Sometimes my introspective and thought-obsessed nature serves me well. I don’t make impulsive decisions that get me into trouble. I don’t act on my emotions and embarrass myself. My INTJ-ness is why I survived the Peace Corps and why I did well in school. It’s why I’m a good writer and actually why I’m a good public speaker, as surprising as it might be that an introvert excels at (and enjoys) public speaking.
But sometimes my INTJ-ness annoys me. Sometimes I wish I were more impulsive and just said what I was thinking, damn the consequences. I often keep my mouth shut out of a sense of decorum, but sometimes I keep it shut out of fear. I don’t know what the response will be from the other person and rather than risk rejection or confrontation, I clam up.
I don’t make friends quickly. I make friends easily, because I get along with just about everyone and have so many interests that I can usually find something in common with each person I meet. But the process takes time because I do not jump into people’s faces and introduce myself. As an introvert, my preference for social interaction is to hang out with one or two people at a time and have meaningful conversations. I dislike parties with tons of people, loud music and small talk. I will go to them and do my best to be sociable, but they are not my cup of tea and I come home exhausted.
I’ve had more than one person tell me that when they first met me, they weren’t too sure about me because I was quiet. (This is where my good friends wet themselves with laughter at the thought of me as ‘quiet.’) It was particularly a problem in Turkmenistan where they don’t even have a word for introvert. Actually, my cousin there gave me a letter just before I left that said she didn’t think we would be friends when she first met me. Probably because I was very reserved compared to my extroverted site mate. But Ramina and I became very good friends and love each other to bits. It does take me a bit to warm up to people, like I said. But when I do determine that someone will be my friend I am incredibly loyal to them.
On the subject of letters, as is typical for introverts, I express myself best through writing. This is great in terms of being a writer. I like to think that my blog is awesome due to my writing skills. And certainly it helped in college and in subsequent jobs. But I also try to communicate really important thoughts to friends through writing, and that can be problematic. You see, when you speak to someone face to face, you can read their expressions, body language, and tone to know how they are reacting to what you’re saying. When you give them a note or letter, you can’t. You take great pains to carefully craft it, making sure it has the right tone and expresses what you want. But you can’t watch and analyze the face of the receiver when they read it. And he or she has no obligation to respond the way they would in a verbal exchange. So you choose between expressing yourself well (and not being interrupted) or witnessing the other person’s reaction. (I also like to get letters, but no one writes them. It’s a dying art.)
The worst is when people assume that introverts aren’t as fun or adventurous as extroverts. I’m actually one of the most adventurous people I know (and if you read my blog, you know that). I know lots of extroverts who never try anything new. I’m lots of fun. Just because I don’t hug people I’ve just met and schmooze by nature doesn’t mean I’m unfriendly or socially inept.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something to overthink.