It all caught up with me this week and came out in a chat with my best friend. He had asked me a question and I didn’t answer well and told him I couldn’t think right then. So he asked if I was okay. I blew the question off and we finished our chat. But then I decided to send him an email about what exactly I was feeling. Here’s an excerpt.
“Lindsay is my fifth and last good friend to leave this country. It was sudden and unexpected and stressful. I am tired of being diplomatic. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of feeling like it’s me against the world. I am tired of waiting for Peace Corps to figure out what it’s doing here. I am tired of struggling to make work for myself. And I am physically tired. “
I barfed all my depression on him, and he answered splendidly. I knew he would, which is why I emailed him in the first place. It felt good to vent freely with all the expletives I wanted and to talk about things I can’t (or shouldn’t) talk about here on my blog.
I don’t know what all I should say here. Certainly there are things that will have to wait until I get done here and write my memoir. I guess I can say that there are volunteers who are in worse places than me in terms of morale. I feel really bad for them. At least I can make some work for myself and try to build a decent service for myself. Some have confessed they don’t feel like they’ve done anything the whole time they’ve been here and others have said they’re applying for jobs and will leave if they get one. Others, I think, have serious depression, and if it’s their first bout with it, that’s rough, especially here. In a way, I’m lucky I’ve had it before so I have some tools for dealing with it.
It’s been a really long month, but finally it’s over.