eHarmony describes its process as using 29 dimensions of compatibility to ensure you get the best matches possible. If that’s the case, I broke their algorithm. First, let me give you a rundown of what exactly it is that you do when you sign up.
When you create an account, you take a survey that scores your personality. Then you create your profile by filling out information like where you live, age, religion, and education level, then answering the main set of open-ended questions that make up your profile page, like what you’re passionate about, tastes in movies and music, etc. Sometimes I can tell someone is not a match by what they put for their main profile questions. For example, for “The Last Book I Read and Enjoyed” one guy answered “Reading? Who reads these days?” Then there are the guys who don’t bother to proofread their answers or who actually write in text form e.g. “u r what u eat.” If that’s how lazy you are on your first impression, how lazy are you going to be in a relationship? And lately, eHarm has been matching me with someone outside the parameters I established concerning age and geography. Sorry, unless he’s Gerard Butler, I’m not interested in a 45 year old who lives in New York.
There are also “fun” multiple choice questions that you can answer. Because the questions are multiple choice, there is also space to explain you answer in a few characters. You can answer as many or as few as you like. It’s these questions that are really telling, both in terms of whether someone is a match and in terms of just how off eHarmony is in its “matching.” Some of these questions truly are just “fun” in the sense that whether you agree or not has no bearing on compatibility. However, many of the “fun” questions are, I think, very important in determining compatibility, and I am usually matched with people who are clearly incompatible. Here are some examples. I’ll list the question, followed by my answer (and explanation if applicable), then his answer (and explanation if he gave one). Sometimes I will follow with commentary marked by an asterisk and italics.
Let’s start with incompatibility on values and interests that are central to who I am without delving into politics or religion yet.
Question: Blogging is
My answer: “a creative outlet”
My explanation: “been blogging for four years”
His answer: “I don’t get it.”
*Does this make him a bad person? Certainly not. However, would I want a relationship with someone who couldn’t even understand my desire to blog/write? No.
Question: Should some books be banned?
My answer: “No.”
His answer: “Yes”
*This does make him a bad person.
Question: Should a woman ever propose marriage?
My answer: “Sure”
His answer: “Never”
* A ‘never’ response seems indicative of really rigid views on gender roles.
Question: Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig?
My answer: Daniel
His answer: Pierce
*You CAN’T be serious! Okay, I’m being funny here. Well, sort of. I do hold passionate views on James Bond, but it’s not something that comes into play with compatibility. But, honestly, Pierce over Daniel? Come on!
Usually a person who disagrees with me on some of the above is also incompatible politically. Here are some examples of serious incompatibilities based on politics.
Question: Was Barack Obama born in the U.S.?
My answer: “Of course”
His answer: “I need more evidence” or “No, I’m convinced he wasn’t”
* Seriously? Is this still a thing? In a way, this isn’t even political. Right wingers with decent reasoning skills don’t go in for the “birther” garbage. More than being political, this just tells me the guy is racist and/or lacks critical thinking skills.
Question: True or false: “If you don’t vote, you can’t complain”
My answer: “True”
His answer: “False, I’ll complain anyways”
His explanation: “Voting is a joke”
*ugh
Question: Do you support the death penalty?
My answer: “No”
My explanation: “When I say I’m pro-life, I mean it”
His answer: “Yes”
Questions: Do you believe in the separation of church and state?
My answer: “Yes”
My explanation: “If you think this is a Christian nation, you missed a lot of history class and we are not compatible
His answer: “No, the U.S. is a Christian nation”
His explanation: “One nation under God”
*I wrote an entire blog post on this. You can read it here.
I told eHarmony that I’m a Christian and that religion is very important to me. So, I’m matched (one assumes) with individuals who told eHarmony the same thing. Unfortunately, many of these matches are clearly not on the same page as me when it comes to theology and morality.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
My answer: “No”
His answer: “Yes, we’ve all been here before”
*Reincarnation is incompatible with Christian beliefs.
Question: Have you ever dined and dashed?
My answer: “No”
His answer: “Yes, I don’t regret it”
*That’s stealing and super douchey, particularly if you don’t feel remorse.
Question: Is sampling grapes at the grocery store stealing?
My answer: “Of course”
His answer: “Only if you don’t buy any”
* Whether you buy or not, “sampling” is stealing. Grapes are sold by the pound, so you’re not being charged for what you ate. Would you eat half a banana before checking out and then hand the other half to the cashier to weigh?
Question: If you found $30,000 in a bag in your backyard, what would you do?
My answer: “Begrudgingly call the police and turn it in.”
His answer: “Keep it.”
*Yup, still stealing.
The whole experience has left me alternating between depression and amusement. Depressed because apparently I am such a freak that even in the cosmopolitan greater D.C. area, eHarmony cannot find a suitable match for me. Amused because they really are doing an awful job and some of these matches are howlingly bad. 'This will make a good blog post, if nothing else,' I thought, which brings me to John.
I was matched with John yesterday. John lists Christian as his religion, but it quickly became clear what John’s true religion is. As soon as I saw Ayn Rand listed in his books section, I knew I was in for a hilarious-at-how-bad-this-match-will-be read. Here, some “fun” questions and answers.
Question: Do you believe housework is women’s work?
My answer: “No”
His answer: “Most of the time”
Question: Your significant other gains 20 pounds. You:
My answer: “encourage healthier choices”
His answer: “have a direct conversation”
His explanation: “Drag her to the gym with me. No significant other of mine will ever be out of shape :)”
*holy cow. I really pity his wife (assuming he gets one) during and after pregnancy. And, yes, he put the smiley emoticon.
Question: True or false: If you don’t vote you can’t complain.
My answer: “True”
His answer: “False”
His explanation: “We need literacy tests”
*gulp. You mean like Jim Crow laws?
Question: In the last presidential election, the issue you were most concerned with was
My answer: Foreign policy
His answer: Economy
His explanation: “I am an anarcho-capitalist Friedmanite, Obama is the epitome of everything I despise.”
*wow
Question: Do you pay attention to brands when buying clothes?
My answer: “Not at all”
His answer: “Always”
*barf
Question: What does money mean to you?
My answer: “spend a little, save a little”
His answer: “It makes the world go round.”
*and there you have his true religion
So while John is off worshipping Mammon, I’m left to wonder if the problem is eHarmony or me. I really didn’t think it was out of the realm of possibility to meet someone whose love of Jesus informs their worldview in the way it informs mine. I didn't think I was that weird.
To be continued… (One hopes).