If the fulcrum imagery doesn’t work, I might also liken it to being two feet down a well, clinging to the side as I try to pull myself out. I get just to the edge of the opening, about escape when I get pulled back down those two feet again by the twisting tendrils of the beast at the bottom. I’m not pulled all the way to the bottom, just down far enough to be in the pit unable to fully experience the sunshine and full mobility. In other words, I’ve spent a long time scrapping and clawing, fighting, treading water, whatever other metaphors work to describe being the kind of high-functioning depressed where you’re still going about your daily life and doing it with a smile, so no one knows.
As for the stress, last school year was intensely busy because I picked up four extra responsibilities on top of my regular teaching schedule (which included a new prep). I did it partly for the stipends because I was planning to hike Kilimanjaro this summer, and that’s not a cheap trip. Long story short, I didn’t make it to Kili because after an issue with my car I decided it was time to get a new one. (I also broke my toe last winter, which waylaid my training efforts for a while, and I never got fully back on track.) It means I won’t be doing any traveling this summer except for the two trips I made to Michigan in pursuit of a car. This makes me almost inconsolable. As of this writing, there is nothing that I’m looking forward to.
I am struggling.
But that’s good because struggling means I haven’t given up.
I am grasping for a silver lining, so I’m deeming this the Summer of Reset. A chance to reboot. I have a new car, a new haircut, some upgrades in my apartment, and more to come. I am taking steps to get back into a fitness routine even though I’m plagued with plantar fasciitis. And here I am, writing my first blog post in a long time. I miss writing. I lost something when I let life get in the way of it. My hope is to get back to writing posts regularly even if regularly is once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week. Stay tuned.