More than this quote being about our wanting authority figures to have all the answers, I think it speaks to our desires that we have all the answers and the sense of security that comes with it. While I’m okay with not knowing the answers to the universal tough questions like how much stuff is free will and how much is predetermined, I often struggle with personal unknowns of God’s plan for my life. I want a road map when He usually only provides a compass.
There is a pattern in evangelical churches of youngsters going to a youth convention or retreat and feeling “called” to a particular occupation or ministry. Throughout my life it seemed folks were always being “led” into this or that ministry or to their future spouse. They heard God’s call to become music ministers, or God played divine matchmaker and “sent” them some stud who turned out to be perfect for them. But that has not been my experience. God has spoken to me in that mystical-not-audible-but-unmistakeably-not-my-thought-that-popped-into-my-head way about three times in my life. None of them had anything to do with making a long term decision like career or marriage, and I sometimes feel let down by God when so many of my Christian friends seem to know what their path for the future looks like.
My path follows this cycle: I feel like I have no direction, God drop kicks me somewhere and I end up okay, great even, but then a time of transition comes, and I fret until God drop kicks me somewhere new. I have never had a sense of permanency in my life. I have never thought “ok, this is where I’ll be indefinitely.” Everything has been done with a sense of transiency, from college, to my job in Nevada, to the Peace Corps, to my life now. I’m currently in flux awaiting decisions from grad schools. I applied to four. Two have turned me down, one has put me on their waitlist and the fourth has yet to reach a decision. Maybe it was hubristic of me to apply to programs with a 1-3% acceptance rate. If I do end up going to grad school, that too will be a transient time for me, two or three years at a university until I move on to the next thing. If I don’t go to grad school, I will probably look for work teaching abroad, which would also be a temporary assignment.
I never want to be settled in the sense of being a mundane suburbanite, but I would like to feel I’ve found my own little niche in the world. It’d be nice to have a home I could invest in because I knew I would be occupying it for several years. And it would be nice to know I’m going to have someone to share my amazing life with. But God’s been pretty quiet on both subjects for now. In the meantime, I try to reassure myself with Romans 8:28, “ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…” Regardless of whether God calls us to a specific profession or mission, He calls us to trust in Him regardless of where life’s path takes us. I’m not going to lie and say that trust always comes easily for me or that I don’t sometimes get frustrated or angry with God, but I try to remind myself that His history with me is to always drop kick me somewhere good. And I’m humbled by the fact that I so often require that kick in the pants.