In the movie The 10th Kingdom, (which I highly recommend if you can get your hands on it) the character Wolf says he loves a girl with the “audacity to flaunt her own aroma.” He’s speaking literally as he is a wolf with a heightened sense of smell. Perfumes are “not for him.” I love Wolf’s character for several reasons and this is one of them. I’m not big on perfume. It never seems like me. And whenever I smell it on someone else, it makes me gag. What’s wrong with smelling like you? Certainly if you bathe regularly and wear deodorant, that should be enough. There have been a few rare occasions when I’ve enjoyed the cologne a man was wearing, but my preference is a man that smells like man.
Biology backs me up on this. Perfumes and colognes interfere with pheromones, our bodies’ means of attracting sexual partners. And often, people have no idea when to stop applying. I’ve smelled high school guys who made me wonder if they weren’t actually zombies trying to cover the smell of their decaying flesh. Elderly women are the worst. They really overdo it and worse, they have no sense of personal space. I was browsing the used book sale at my local library when my nostrils were accosted by the smell of eau de musty flowers as a pushy senior shoved her head under my outstretched arm to view the shelf below the one I was reaching for. I coughed a gag as audibly as I could without feeling hammy, but she didn’t seem to notice. So I retreated, fearing prolonged exposure might damage my lungs.
I do on occasion wear scented lotion, which is impossible to overdo. Unfortunately, the scents I like keep getting discontinued by Bath and Body Works. I liked their ylang-ylang myrrh. Gone. Then I stumbled upon their amber myrrh. Gone. The last time I was there and one of their pushy on-commission sales girls asked if she could help, I brought up those two scents and how they’re discontinued. She showed me some amber vanilla. She was not adept at math, apparently, as she failed to recognize that the common denominator in my favorite scents was myrrh, not amber. I want to smell like Solomon’s lover, not fossilized tree sap, thank you very much. And while we’re on the subject of ridiculous scents, can someone please explain the cucumber melon combination? Why would I want to smell like salad? Am I courting a rabbit?