1) How to not cry until I can cry silently in my room. 1a.) How to cry silently.
I actually already had this skill pretty well down before I entered PC. It comes with the territory when you’re from a “stiff upper-lip” kind of background and you have a history of depression. But I really perfected it when I was in Turkmenistan. What’s worse than having someone worrying about you? Having someone with whom there’s a big language barrier worry about you. Or having the KNB (secret police) thinking they got to you, even though they don’t have anything to do with it. So walking to work, all of my time at work, and anywhere else public, I never cried even though there were days it was physically painful for me to hold it in. And I didn’t cry at home until I was away from my host family in my room. Okay, there were exceptions, like when I read Bridge to Terebithia to my students. I still use this skill all the time here. I don’t like worrying people and I don’t like people asking what’s wrong if I don’t think they can handle the answer.
2) How to say no without feeling guilty
People in Peace Corps will ask you to do everything. Your counterparts will ask for computers for their school when experience has taught you they really just want computers for personal use. Rich people in the community will ask you to give private English lessons to their child and think you’ll say yes if the pay is right. And people with good intentions will invite you over more often than you want to go out. You learn to say no pretty quickly, otherwise you run the risk of overextending yourself or drifting into shady territory like in my first two examples. Now I only say yes to things I want to say yes to and don’t feel guilty if whoever’s asking has to find someone else to help them.
3) How to toot my own horn
Your Peace Corps boss will know basically nothing about the work you’re doing. He or she will be in the capital city hobnobbing with the ambassador and other Americans while you are in a remote site living like a local. Unless you specifically make it a point to contact them and say “hey, this is the awesome thing I just did,” they will never know. Bosses can be pretty oblivious sometimes, and in order to stand out, sometimes boils down to making a little noise for your accomplishments. So when I returned to the States and added the “About Me” tab to my website, some people thought it was a little braggy. But people aren’t going to dig around to find my accomplishments; it’s up to me to make them known. One day, a potential employer will check out my site and think, ‘damn, this is a woman I want working for me.’
4) How not to give a flying fart what other people think
Again, I was pretty good at this before, but, man, life in the fishbowl that is Peace Corps really has a way of making you say “eff that.” When you live in another country, you will never fit in. (Unless it’s one of our cousins. You could probably do okay in Canada or Australia). You will always be an outsider no matter how well you speak the language or try to blend in. And when they realize you’re American, you become a circus attraction. So, you get over being demure and polite and self-conscious really quickly. I was going to get stared at regardless of what I did so I wore pants, and I walked the 45 minutes to work instead of taking a taxi, and I went on road runs sweating profusely and scaring everyone because no one else ever went running except the military recruits and even they limited themselves to the stadium. I ran all over the city. And it was marvelous. So here in the States, it’s not such a big deal to audition for a play or preach a sermon to a new audience.
5) The value of lowering my expectations
No one actually goes into the Peace Corps thinking “I’m going to change the world!” But you do tend to think “I’m going to change my community!” You’re not. At least not in a dictatorship where your every move is monitored and the people you work with are afraid of the government. Not in the grandiose way you hope. If you don’t make your expectations more modest, you will get disheartened really quickly and quit. You have to learn to embrace tiny successes: a student who finally makes it into university on the third try, a chance to teach a handful of girls about safe food handling practices, a male student who sees you working out at the stadium and becomes normalized to females who are physically strong, being an example to the women you meet that it’s okay to be single and childless. Even if they still conform to the expectations of their culture, at least you have planted a seed of doubt that maybe things don’t have to be the way they are. Often in the States I have higher hopes than what ends up being realistic. For example, I expect that people I interact with will be as emotionally and socially mature as I am. They often end up not being, and I get frustrated when they behave in ways that I see as cowardly. Since there’s nothing I can do about that, it’s best to just tell myself ‘you did what you could; it’s not your responsibility anymore.’
6) The mood altering effect of playing with a kid
I’m not a big fan of kids in general, and I’m really not a big fan of kids in groups, but some individual kids can be great. I think sometimes they have an uncanny way of knowing when I’m depressed. During some of my darkest moments in Tstan I was saved when I allowed my sister, Leyla, to distract me with play. We would dance or color or she would style my hair. In that moment, I was free from my worries. I could laugh and experience joy. Recently I’ve been stewing over something, and a few days ago, my niece filled Leyla’s role of taking my mind off things.
7) Screw “the man;” create your own way
Peace Corps and the principal of the school where I was assigned had certain expectations of what I would do. When these expectations proved to be at odds with my ability to maintain my sanity, I quietly created my own job description. You’ve read about it if you’ve been following my blog. Basically I stopped working in the classroom during school hours and devoted my time to after school clubs and creating English language resources. This was much more effective and fulfilling work. It’s not that I advocate insubordination. Usually you have to play the game. But sometimes it’s best if you don’t.
8) It doesn’t matter whether people approve of what you do or don’t consume
This is related to #4, but there’s so much judgment in this area, I thought I’d address it separately. I got it from both sides in Tstan. Turkmen thought I was nuts for drinking chilled beverages (they believe you’ll get sick), eating raw carrots, and not drinking tea. Some volunteers thought I was lame for not drinking alcohol with them and others thought I was a bad volunteer because I didn’t drink tea. (Tea’s a big thing there, but I hate tea. I did drink it sometimes to be polite, but with my family and friends, I didn’t feel it necessary to imbibe dishwater just so they’d accept me; they already loved me.) In the States, there is a lot of food judgment going around. You all have that friend who orders apple slices at fast food restaurants and you know is judging you for eating a bacon cheeseburger. Or who thinks you’re the devil for not buying organic. Or thinks you’re a snob for buying organic. If I want a salad, I will order a salad. It doesn’t mean I’m watching my weight or have an eating disorder. If I want a medium rare steak with garlic mashed potatoes, onion rings, Bailey’s to drink and pie for dessert, I will order it. It doesn’t mean I’m a gluttonous pig with no self-control. I can eat and drink whatever I want. Don’t make me bring the Bible into this; there’s a reason bacon is the official meat of Christianity. *wink*
9) Always have a book with you
Waiting is inevitable in Turkmenistan. You will wait for hours to get a train ticket, for example. So I always kept a book in my purse. It’s handy to have one with you in the States, too. Before class, slow times at work, car trips. Anytime you can sneak some reading in, you should.
10) Having someone to beat is great motivation
The last summer I was in Turkmenistan, I started running at the stadium in the mornings. The military also came to run. They ran on the track while I ran the perimeter of the track, outside the fence. I made it a goal to always outrun them. And I did. I was technically running farther than they were and I ran longer than they did, as they always left before I was finished with my workout. I can’t tell you how utterly satisfying it was to beat a bunch of Turkmen soldiers, and it certainly pushed me to run harder than I would have if I’d had the stadium to myself. In the States, competition might not come so readily. And it might not be in an area that can be judged that objectively. You might have to seek out a worthy opponent (though you don’t have to tell them you’re competing) or you might have to compete with yourself. The point is, when you foster a competitive spirit within yourself, it can bump up your achievement.
11) Listen to your body
Peace Corps Turkmenistan was the era in which my body went insane. I mean bat shit crazy. I got temporary paralysis, uncontrollable shaking, inexplicable spotting, and more as a result of stress. When your body screams at you, you learn to pay attention. Now I feel no guilt for taking naps, getting massages, lingering in a hot shower, passing up a date in order to go to the gym, or eating chocolate in the middle of class.
12) He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare.
That’s an Arab proverb that I love. In our culture it’s easy to “drop” people. Just look at our divorce rate. But when you’re in PC, you make and keep all the friends you can because you understand the value of a support network. Most of my fellow volunteers were people I probably wouldn’t have hung out with if I’d met them in the States. One was a guy I dated that I never would have dated in the States. But I’m glad that I forged those relationships because they were mutually beneficial. Some of those people are now cherished friends, including my ex, who, even though he’s an atheist, has behaved most like Christ toward me. The patience and understanding I developed in fostering those relationships has transferred to relationships here at home. I was never keen on throwing relationships away, but I’m even more protective of my friendships now.
13) Find a good seamstress
A little less weighty this, but don’t sniff at it. Seeing your design implemented correctly is very satisfying. One of the most delightful things to do in Tstan was designing dresses for my tickinchi to make and then showing them off at volunteer functions. See above pic. This year I'm hoping to learn enough to sew my designs for myself. Until then, props to my mom, who turned my vision into an award winning Halloween costume.