One of the traits that some of my family members argued is innate in women is that they are more nurturing. And by extension, they want to have kids and are more inclined to desire to stay at home caring for them. This topic tends to rub me the wrong way for a couple of reasons. One is that it is sexist against men, suggesting that fathers aren’t as loving as mothers or that men are less capable of caring for children. The other thing that bothers me about this “nurturing woman” attitude is that it tends to suggest that women who don’t have children are deficient in some way.
This can especially be a problem in the church when Mary and Hannah are exalted for their motherhood while biblical women whose contributions do not involve mothering (Deborah, Jael, Priscilla, et. al.) go largely ignored. Recently, a woman at my church said it is our duty to have children. It was all I could do to bite my tongue. You can imagine how hurtful this environment can be for women who are unable to have children. But it’s also hurtful to women who don’t particularly want children.
I am literally ambivalent about having kids. I’ve known since late middle school that whether I have kids or not will be up to my husband, because I could be happy either way. If I have kids I know I’ll be a kick ass mom and love my kids to bits. If I never have kids I’ll take full advantage of the freedom and not feel like I’m missing out on something. But to listen to some people you’d think there was something really messed up about me because my “biological clock” isn’t ticking. Just because I’m not itching to pop out a few rugrats doesn’t mean I can’t be nurturing, it doesn’t mean I’m not a caring individual, and it doesn’t mean I’m somehow broken as a woman.
In fact, many people have benefitted from that fact that I don’t have kids. As a teacher, I spent hours and hours of time outside of school hours working with students as a coach, a mentor, a dance chaperone, or as part of the cheering section at home games. For some of them, I was the only adult in their lives who would come to their band concert or drama production. Teachers with their own families aren’t able to devote that much time.
Mothers are great. I have one I’m particularly fond of. One day I may even be one. But carrying a baby to term is not the only contribution women can make in society, nor is it a requirement for women to be worthwhile and admirable or to feel satisfied with their lives.