There are no commands in the Bible about not experiencing emotions. Yes, we are to exercise control over our emotions, i.e. “be slow to anger” and not let our emotions rule us, i.e. “in your anger, do not sin.” But it is unrealistic and psychically damaging to suggest that emotions should not be felt. We cannot with any authority tell someone to feel something or not feel something. Therefore, since Jesus commands us to love our neighbor and our enemy, we can conclude that He is not commanding us to feel warm fuzzies in our bellies toward those people.
So then, what is love? Given the description found in 1 Corinthians 13, love is a conscious decision of how you will act toward another person. This can manifest itself in several ways. Certainly there is a difference between the love you have for a family member, a friend, a co-worker, lover, or stranger. Each of those may have different amounts and mixtures of emotions that accompany your choice to love. But for each one, you will have to make a conscious decision to act in love toward that person. Even people for whom you sometimes feel squishy in your tummy will annoy you or piss you off at some point. That’s when choice comes into the matter.
I am a person who exerts great control over my emotions and my thinking. Everyone I have loved I made a conscious decision to love. In fact, it is naturally easier for me to put up walls and close my heart to people. By nature, I am arrogant and dismissive of anyone who doesn’t live up to my expectations. But by choice, I extend grace and forgiveness. Love really does cover a multitude of sins. I understand how to love because I have been shown love.
What does real love look like? It looks like a brother who offers to “come out there and break some thumbs” when you’ve been wronged. It looks like a friend on the other side of the world who sends you a fun video when you’re feeling down. It looks like a church member who asks how you’re doing and means it. It looks like a neighbor who clears an elderly woman’s driveway in the winter. It looks like the stranger at the supermarket who lets a frazzled mother go ahead of him in line. It looks like a teacher who takes a “problem” student under her wing and shows him that he has worth. It looks like a prominent figure forgiving his would-be assassin.
Love looks like a couple who will be celebrating their 49th anniversary this summer. They get on each other’s nerves. They fight, and they fret. They forgive. They compromise. They crack jokes. They nurture and care for each other. They decide each day that they will love each other, even when they don’t feel like it.
False portrayals of love in the media have so insidiously corrupted our notion of love that even people who should know better (ahem, Christians) still buy into nonsense like love at first sight. Or that a lack of grand romantic gestures or a lack of feeling butterflies in your stomach are indicative of a lack of love. When prominent Christian James Dobson says things like, “marry someone you can’t live without,” we see just how bad things have gotten. Mr. Dobson, there’s no one I can’t live without. Wanna know why? Because I’m an adult. And I certainly wouldn’t want to get tied down to someone who couldn’t live without me. Love is not about needing someone. It is not about desiring them so much that you can’t think of anything else. When I’m in a relationship and I’m not physically with my boyfriend, I can go for reasonable amounts of time without even thinking about him. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him; it means I’m a functional adult who can enjoy the company of other people in my life. It means I have a life outside of that one relationship. No, a proper sentiment is “marry someone you don’t want to live without.”
A proper understanding of love is that it is a choice that is made not once, but over and over again. It is not reserved only for people you want to sleep with. It is not reserved only for people who are nice to you. It is not earned; it is given. It is not easy. It does not always feel good. But it is always right. And perhaps, one day, I'll fall in lust with someone who understands this. Happy Valentine's Day to all my readers, whom I have chosen to love.